Beware of the Hoe, Hoe, Hoes... (aka Wrap your present)

Have a Christmas smile on me...

Hiatus

I'll leave you with the profound Rowan Atkinson...

Premature Depth Chart Predictions: Secondary

Part Two of the last minute blitzkreig of roster comments is now beginning. Had I any readers they have surely abandoned me now which would have me resorting to amatuerish tactics to win their attention. After consulting my blogging manuals, I have determined that I will choose the method of posting cheesecake photos.



Oh Shit. That's creampuff, not cheesecake. My apologies...

[More stupid banter here]

On to the less whitty banter...



Cornerback: Mike McKenzie, Tracy Porter, Jason Craft, Aaron Glenn, Usama Young, Randall Gay
No, you read it right, Jason David is not on the roster. That wasn't something I overlooked. It wasn't something that Matt Schaub overlooked either. Jason David is the first CB in the NFL where the phrase "better than nothing" does not apply since he posted a better completion against percentage last season than "hole in zone". The Saints take a financial dive on this one, but JD was given every opportunity to compete and in the end, was unable to make the transition to the Saints defensive scheme.

Mike McKenzie is the lone lock-down stud in the Saints secondary. When healthy he's capable of dazzling QB's with his smile and whipping his dreads in the faces of receivers in a confusing manner. Early in his career he had the reputation of being streaky and take risky choices in coverage, but since he arrived in the Cresent City he seems to have shaken his youthful on-field indiscretions and has developed into a solid CB. His recovery from injury is coming along ahead of schedule and he is expected once again to anchor one side of the field for the Saints.

Tracy Porter has been busy ridding critics of the claims that he shies from contact. Along with good recovery speed and good size, he has shown flashes of what made many teams rate him as a first round choice. He is not going to be a lock-down corner this year by any means, but he's already shown that he is a better option than Jason David, Jason Craft, Aaron Glenn and Usama Young. I'm sure that coming home to play for his native state's team is just icing on the cake from Tracy.

Jason Craft is the team's new 'Fred Thomas'. Fans will be calling for his head, coaches will try to coach up younger guys to push him off the roster, but Craft ignores all of that and throws himself (literally) into his work, pushing his body past the limits of normal players his age. Craft will be a fixture in this team until he decides it's time to leave, just like Fred Thomas.

Aaron Glenn is the other old dude in the defensive backfield that I'm pushing. Again his best attribute is that he isn't Jason David, but he seems to share the same fast-healing abilities and little-guy toughness that Jason Craft inherited from Fred Thomas. The Texans cast him aside in favor of more youthful legs, but he's shown that he is worth something still to teams that have a lack of talent in the secondary. Unfortunately for the Saints they fit that description all too well.

Usama Young, also known as that other guy with dreadlocks, is progressing slowly, although he is still progressing. He has shown some flashes of "getting it" despite my not knowing what "getting it" really is. The guy has good size, good speed and a cheap contract. All of those things point to another season on the roster in this talentless secondary.

Adding Patriots to your roster is the newest fad in the NFL after filling your roster with pass rushing defensive ends. The Saints filled their quota this year by adding another Louisiana native to the roster: Randall Gay. They probably overpaid a bit for Gay (who by the way is not homosexual), but that's what a team with no talent in the secondary must do when there are no true shut-down cornerbacks on the free agency market. Randall will at worst provide an upgrade at the nickel spot and at best, give the Saints another option to throw out there opposite Mike McKenzie. He has learned well from Nick Saban and Bill Belichick, two of the masters of the defensive backfield and hopefully his mojo will run off on the others.

Safety: Roman Harper, Kevin Kaesviharn, Josh Bullocks, Lance Schulters
Roman Harper is the only steady player left at Safety on the roster. A true coaches son, he rarely makes the same mistake twice is he makes a mistake at all (at least that I can see). He is not spectacular, but solid at everything and can bring the wood when he drops down into the box.

Kevin Kaesviharn was the guy many felt should have been starting at Free Safety last year. Thus far he has shown an improvement at the position from last season, which was filled with mental mistakes leaving a burnt, toasting flavor in the mouth s of Saints fans everywhere. The jury is still out as to whether the position has been filled permanently, but it's looking good that Josj Bullocks will be sitting a lot this year.

Bullocks (despite having an awesome last name) has yet to pan out. Known as a ball hog at Nebraska, he's yet to display the same appetite and nose in the NFL. Perhaps he prefers stripes in his footballs? Injuries have kept him hobbled in camp, but teh word is that Kaesviharn has taken the job away from him. I'm hoping that he steps it up and reclaims the position as he has much more physical ability, but that does not seem to be the case.

Lance Schulters is sure to bring some aggressiveness to this group. I imagine that he'll sub in on goalline situations and occasionally spell Roman Harper. I doubt he still possess the deep speed he once had in Tennessee, but he no doubt still has the ability to provide a 'thump' when needed. I think he makes the squad simply because David Roach, Curome Cox and Chris Reis aren't fit to see the field outside of special teams.

Apologies for lacking a catchy phrase in this area to nicely sum things up...

Breaking News: Saints Defense Bloodies a Nose

Carson Palmer finally looks how he feels in Cincy.

Premature Depth Chart Predictions: Runningback

As the sun slowly sets on the 2008 pre-season ... ummm ... season, panic slowly engulfs me as I realize that I only have a week to crank out five pieces on the team roster. With a big project creeping up this week starting with a trip to Memphis on Monday, it seems that procrastination has the better of me this year.

Apologies in advance for the lowering of the standards of what is already low quality journalism, even by blogging standards.

[More chatty text goes here]

Now, on to the Runningbacks.

Fullback: Mike "Muthafucking" Karney
Not many people know this, but Mike Karney's middle name is an expletive. This is certainly in reference to his birth, which his mother did naturally in a crowded elevator with nothing except Kenny G Musak for painkillers. This made his transition to an NFL player virtually seemless as his the targets of his blocks can often he heard rattling off the same string of expletives once sung by his mother on the floor of that dirty elevator to the tune of "I Can't Tell You Why". Only now the tune comes with a vibrating baseline instead of the haunting notes of a soprano sax.

Karney is the best fullback in the league at a time when fullbacks are a dying breed.
He runs.
He blocks.
He catches.
He destroys.
He's Mike "Muthafucking" Karney.

Bitch.

Halfback: Deuce McAllister, Reggie Bush, Pierre Thomas, Aaron Stecker
Deuce is trim and in better shape than he's been in since his rookie season. Drew Brees has remarked how quick he looks in his cuts, which is key coming back from his injury. I'm sure the reduced weight will help his recovery and well as how quickly he begins to "trust" his rebuilt knee. I don't expect his to break away from many safeties, but that's not where he's needed. We need the guy who finds a seam and slips through it before falling forward for four yards. If he just so happens to knock heads with Derrick Brooks while he's falling forward, that's bonus.

Reggie seems to really be applying himself this year. He asked the coaches what he could do to improve and then followed up on their instructions, sticking with the team in New Orleans this offseason watching film, bonding, growing, etc. in between knocking the bottom out of Kim Kardashian. The talking heads keep telling us internet guys how good he looks in practice, but so far on the field we keep seeing a guy terribly miscast at runningback, avoiding his calling as the NFL's best receiver. I love Reggie to death and I hope he remains a Saints until his, but I cant' seem to shake the belief that he would be more effective were he not getting hit at the line of scrimmage so much.

Pierre Thomas seems like a miniature version of Deuce, but without quite as much power. He showed his versatility last season rushing for over 100 yards and catching more than 100 yards versus the Bears. I am not so quick to anoint him anything other than a nice option on third downs, but isn't that what Reggie is for? I like Thomas on this team and hope he realizes just how productive he can be here. Hopefully he sticks around long enough to realize his full potential.

Aaron Stecker is a lock for this team. Aside from being the Special Teams captain, he is also the team's 3rd option a runningback, can catch passes out of the backfield, handles the team's film department, does Quality Control for the team's hydration committee and has been known to bake a scrumptious apricot brandy pound cake. In short he does whatever the coaches ask him to do, often without being asked. Every successful team has an Aaron Stecker on the roster who often goes unappreciated by fans. Stecker is no different.

Comment or die!

Premature Depth Chart Predictions: Offensive Line

An offense is only as good as the big boys up front and with the Saints, it begins this season with the loss of Jeff Faine.

Now Message Board Guy will tell you that Faine sucks and Goodwin is a much better run blocker, but I disagree. Faine's issue is and always has been his health, which also seems to be the case for Jammal Brown last season. With Jamar Nesbit hanging around still and Jon Stinchcomb defying Haslett's logic the Saints return pretty much the same nucleus. Jahr Evans remains the units best (and underrated) player, but guys like Carl Nicks, Jermon Bushrod and Andy Allenman are going to push for some playing time this year.



Offensive Tackle: Jammal Brown, Jon Stinchcomb, Zach Streif, Jermon Bushrod
Jammal Brown is an anchor on Drew's blindside. He's a wide body with long arms and athletic enough to handle anyone coming off the edge. His nasty demeanor doesn't get enough attention, really. I see him rolling guys when the play is on the other side of the field. He's going to play as long as his knees let him.

Already the coaches are grooming Jermon Bushrod as his replacement. Bushrod came into the league with tremendous athleticism for a guy his size, but not really strong by NFL-standards. I understand he's taken instruction very well from the staff and has dedicated his life to becoming stronger. This pre-season he's one of the guys I want to watch.

Zach Streif is a hot and cold player at this point in his career. His first start was a complete shut-down of Simien Rice at Left Tackle, followed by embarrassment at the hands of Julius Peppers at Right Tackle. His natural position just might be guard, but the staff feels solid enough about his skills to put him out on the edge I guess.

Jon Stinchcomb was in the eyes of most Saints fans, a bust. Haslett's group sought out a Right Tackle every year it seemed after Stinchcomb's draft. Draft Extraordinaire Mike Detiller even felt that Stinchcomb was being miscast as a RT and thought that he would make a fine Guard like his brother because Stinchcomb lacks the footwork to be a really good RT. Sean Payton shows up and after a couple years of hitting the weights, Stinchcomb blows up Julius Peppers and locks down the right side.

Whiskey - Tango - Foxtrot?

Guard: Jamar Nesbit, Jahri Evans, Andy Allenman, Carl Nicks
Jamar Nesbit is still hanging around. He's become the ... well, Jon Goodwin of the group. He's been holding down the Left Guard spot since he arrived, but can and will play any position you ask him to. That's usually a negative for a guy's career because you never get really good at any one position, which makes you replaceable when the team finds a guy that is really good at the position you happen to be playing right now. Nesbit seems to have found a niche at Guard with the Saints though and he continues to hold off Andy Allenman. He may have met his match however withe the addition of Carl Nicks.

Nicks is the guy who scouts were raving about and who many draft "experts" feel could be the steal of the draft. He's a literal mountain of a man and is as nimble as any Linebacker in the NFL. He's still pretty raw as he has only been playing on offense for a year or so and his most recent experience was at Right Tackle. He's seen some time at both Tackle and Guard in Camp thus far, but he's projected to stay in the interior which would be fine with me. He and Jahri Evans team up to make quite an imposing interior, even it that's with a career backup playing the pivot.

Andy Allenman is the guy brought in to replace Nesbit. Thus far, he has succeeded only in forcing Nesbit to play at a higher level. Allenman is reportedly looking very good in camp, but the coaches seem to be content with an incumbent unless there is a vast improvement by going with someone else. With the addition of Nicks, Allenman may be a backup for quite some time.

The guy most unappreciated here is Jahri Evans, from tiny Bloomberg (not the mayor) College. His bio photos project him as a librarian, but his athleticism is Roafish with an attitude to match. He turned heads in his rookie camp and had coaching thinking less "rookie project" and more "starting material" before Training Camp's halfway point. He's never looked back since and has the attention of everyone involved with the NFL except the fans. If he is ever going to take his rightful place as a perennial Pro Bowler, the Saints are going to have to start winning more games.

Center: Jonathan Goodwin, Matt Lehr
I should have titled this section "Center/Guard" because neither of these guys are true Centers. Goodwin is a guy who made his way from one end of the Jets offensive line to the other, never really spectacular at anything, but solid at everything. He's a cerebral guy I understand and performed well last year when called into action, but he still has a lot to prove. Many will point to his inclusion in the line as to why the running game performed well in Faine's absence. Those same people will also avoid bringing up that there was also a change in the runningback as well.

The Saints did not want to let Faine get away, but they were committed to not paying an unholy ransom to retain his services. Goodwin has a bit of work cut out for him and his play (IMO) just might be the key factor in how well the Saints offense does this season. Regardless, I feel the Saints will be looking to improve the position after this season is done with.

Matt Lehr is another guy who is great at nothing, good at everything. He's an obscenely strong player, but lacks the athleticism that you want your Center to possess. There are doubts as to what his contribution can be with his legal troubles, which may be why the Saints signed Rob Hunt for the offseason, a guy who doesn't even warrant a Bio on the "Official" website.

As a whole, the group is solid, but not spectacular. The benefit from a lightening quick release from Drew Brees and a coach who loves to pass more than run in Sean Payton. This plays well into their strengths, but it does not give the team the physical line that a Super Bowl-hopeful team needs. They need to become stronger at the point of attack in the running game if they want to go far in the post season.

**** ***** Traded to the Jets

Since I have a blog I am obligated to post my opinion on the **** ***** saga. I'm not sure why, but at the last meeting they told me I had to and I am not one to piss off a bunch of whiny, greasy-haired wanna-be writers who rarely find themselves outside of their mother's sewing room where they have a corner to place their desktop PC's when she's not working on her quilts or dollhouse. I am apparently also a conformist, despite my insistence otherwise and I don't have ESPN, so I am unable to shout vulgarities at the End-around Reverse that Sean Payton just called for a five yard loss.

I am sad that **** ***** went to the Jets. I was really hoping that he'd end up in Atlanta, partly because I enjoy symmetry, but also because I would enjoy seeing his attention-whoring ass repeatedly body-slammed by NFL defenses. I figure that he stands as good of a chance as any with the lack of weapons in which to distribute the ball in ATL, not that he'd get much of an opportunity behind their patchwork offensive line. Tampa would have been nice as well. I would have enjoyed watching Gruden destroy what little respect he has in the locker room by benching the team favorite for **** *****, just before **** ***** wrecks Gruden's offense. Most of all, I am sad because now Peter King won't keep us updated about Mary Beth King's comings and goings in favor of what will surely become hourly updates of the status **** *****'s scrotum and how hairless and smooth it is (NTTAWWT).

I of course kid. Peter King is a class guy, just like **** fucking *****. I understand he even owns season tickets for Saints games.

Unless of course he did not renew.

Then fuck him...

and **** *****, too...

Absurdly Early Depth Chart Predictions: Tight End

Were it not for the Brett Favre saga, one of the bigger stories of the offseason would be the Saints' acquisition of former Giants Tightend, Jeremy Shockey. You should all remember the rumors leading up to the draft that the Giants were shopping Shockey and/or the Saints were asking whether or not he could be acquired. Loomis no doubt has an inside source of Shockey's true locker room influence from his former Offensive Coordinator, current Saints Head Coach Sean Payton. The problem was that the Giants felt that they should receive more from the Saints than what Loomis was offering, a 2nd and 5th round pick.

Loomis knew that the Giants needed to get rid of Shockey more than the Saints needed to acquire him, so he patiently waited... and waited... and waited... and then made Tom Benson, Sean Payton, Drew Brees and Marques Colston very happy guys, landing a Pro Bowl Tightend for the paltry sum of... a 2nd and 5th round draft pick.



Tightend: Jeremy Shockey, Billy Miller, Mark Campbell
This is probably not a premature call at all. Shockey is head-and-shoulders better than anything else on the roster, even though the Saints were not really hurting without him. Combined, Billy Miller and Eric Johnson were responsible for 75 catches for 706 yards and 4 touchdowns at a more than respectable 20 yards per catch average. Drew Brees has plenty of targets, but you simply do not turn down a guy of Shockey's caliber for a 2nd round and a throw-away second day draft choice.

The Saints hope to gain some consistency with the addition of Shockey, a true everydown player at the Tightend position. Over his six year career he averages 65 catches for 700+ yards and four TD's, almost exactly the production he will be replacing with the Saints. Payton is slowly immersing him into the offense, being careful to avoid any injury setbacks while he works back into game condition.

Billy Miller has shown promise since arriving in New Orleans. Long known for his blocking prowess and athleticism for his size as much as his injury prone career, he has finally displayed some consistency with his hands downfield. His hard work is apparent and beginning to pay off as Drew Brees shows more trust in his abilities. With the departure of Johnson and the addition of Shockey, he will likely see less balls thrown his way, but it's good to know he's proving to be reliable should Shockey go down with another injury.

Mark Campbell is coming off an injury that kept him off the field for all of 2007. Prior to that, he was the Saints leading receiver at Tightend. Campbell is spectacular at nothing, but solid at everything. He's a ten year veteran and brings to the table what ten year veterans are known for: maturity, work ethic, reliability. He's a solid locker room presence and a solid guy on the line of scrimmage. Barring any injury setbacks and/or Ronnie Ghent blowing up in the pre-season, Campbell should round out the roster as the third Tightend.

Absurdly Early Depth Chart Predictions: Defensive Line

One of the more talented areas of the team has also served as the most under-achieving these last few years. Ever since the depature of Joe Johnson, LaRoi Glover, Wayne Martin, etc. this group has been chock full of promises, but left a trail of broken dreams scattered in their wake for Saints fans. Will a fresh influx of talent along with new D-Line Acadian Debil Ed 'O' Orgeron finally squeeze production from this group?

Yawyawyawyawyawyawyawyawyawyawyawyawyaw!

Now that we have gotten that out of our system, on to the Defensive Ends.



DE: Will Smith, Charles Grant, Bobby McCray, Josh Savage
With Will Smith and Charles Grant finally flush, Saints coaches and fans should be demanding 60 tackle and 10+ sacks seasons from both of them. Both players have limitless potential and both players have shown flashes of what they can do, but neither of them have put it together for a complete season. With new Saint Bobby McCray pushing them for playing time and Coach O just pushing them, early reports in training camp are that both players are primed for big years.

Charles Grant arrived at camp looking leaner than ever, weighing a svelte 278 lbs after spending much of the offseason at the vaunted Duke University Weight Loss and Surgery Center with Hollis Thomas. The hope is that Grant will come off the line quicker while still holding enough weight to occasionally drop down into the interior in obvious passing situations and providing pressure from the middle. There have been some off-field issues during his downtime that we'll need to keep an eye on, however I predict that they will not affect his playing time.

Will Smith is easily the best player on an improving defense, but outside of one Pro Bowl season he has yet to earn the label. With an explosive first step, he beats most Left Tackles off the snap and possesses enough upper-body strength to collapse the pocket. His rare gift is a spin move in which he almost never loses ground like most other DE's.

Bobby McCray is another classic under-achiever, which fits the theme the Saints are obviously going for here. Not known for his run defending, he has that long, lean body and arms that give QB's hell on pasisng downs. Grant and Smith are already feeling the heat from an Orgeron-motivated McCray.

Savage is a camp body in any other situation. He's been a practice squad guy for his career, but I just can't see the Saints starting the season with only three DE's on the roster. His size and work habits keep him drawing paychecks from NFL teams as a practice guy, which isn't bad work if you can get it.

DT: Hollis Tomas, Brian Young, Sedrick Ellis, Antwan Lake
Having already touched on the boyish figure of Charles Grant, fellow dieter Hollis Thomas also has people taking after arriving in Jackson weighing around 330. Unlike most pre-seasons when that's the reported weight, his Training Camp performances indicate that this is indeed a legitimate 330 lbs. Be it genuine self-improvement, taking Sean Payton's criticisms to heart or the addition of Sedrick Ellis, the situation is that Hollis Thomas is slim(er) and motivated and that's simply not good news for anyone who chooses to line up across from him.

The Hemi who lines up next to Thomas is Brian Young, the human motor. The guy still fights every play like his job depends on it. What else can you say about the guy? He always seems to make the "Must cut" list of Message Board Guys everywhere, yet remains a fixture on the defensive line every year: He's the bigger, whiter version of Fred Thomas.

The guy best known by Saints fans thus far as the guy who is not Glenn Dorsey is Sedrick Ellis. PAC-10 fans know this guy well, as does D-Line Coach Orgeron. Ellis is special enough to play the 1-tech or 3-tech spots on th eline, making him a Defensive Tackle for all occasions. He's arriving at camp 12 practices late, but I anticipate that he will quickly make up for lost time. There is no reason why he shouldn't be starting next to either Thomas or Young by the time the Buccaneers arrive in New Orleans for their ass-whipping.

Antwan Lake has proven to be a versatile defender since the Saints picked him up after the Falcons cast him aside last a couple seasons ago. He and Kendrick Clancy are basically interchangeable at this point in Clancy's career. Being that he's a Mississippi guy, I'm rotting for Clancy during TC, but Lake has youth and versatility on his side as he could step in at DE on the String Side if need be. It's not really a point worth arguing over because if either of them are seeing significant playing time, the Saints defense is in trouble.

The late, great Jim Finks always believed that you build your teams from the line of scrimmage first and then move from their. Bill Parcells (who is an obvious influenece on Payton) has made similar sentiments over the years. The Saints have invested heavily on both sides of the line since the arrival of Mickey Loomis and the Muellers.

Is this year the year we see the big pay off?

Absurdly Early Depth Chart Predictions: Quarterback

Before Training Camp really gets a head of steam, I wanted to throw a projected depth chart out there for posterity's sake. We'll base this on a mixture of common sense, blind faith and shock value to get the venom flowing in Message Board Guy.


QB: Drew Brees, Mark Brunell, Tyler Palko
Unlike the last two seasons, I predict that Payton is going to keep three QB's on the roster this time around. The Saints upgraded the #2 spot with the addition of Brunell, sending Jamie Martin into Free Agency limbo until injuries gut some team at QB.

(I like Martin, but I don't want him QB'ing my team. I am hoping that he finds his way back to New Orleans coaching QB's.)

Brees is the unquestioned leader of this team and is arguably the best QB in the NFC. The guy exudes confidence, pisses excellence and demands perfection from the skill group. He knows what his role is as the Quarterback and accepts the good with the bad, sometihng that the previous starter failed to grasp.

Perhaps that's why he is still unemployed?

Barring injury, expect Brees to set the pace for NFC QB's. With the recent addition of Jeremy Shockey, the health of Robert Meachem and the happiness of Marques Colston setting the stage for the pass-catching corps of the team, Brees will have no shortage of playmakers begging for the ball and no shortage of defenders on their heels. I won't get into the pass-catching abilities of Reggie Bush who I predict will see more downfield action this season.

Brunell is still solid in spot duty and should serve a greater role as a mentor to fellow lefty, Tyler Palko. He's not going to shoulder the weight of the team, but his history will command respect from the offense should Brees *gasp* go down and not serve as the sign of impending doom as it was the past two years with Martin in the wings.

Tyler Palko has shown a steady progression of improvement since becoming Payton's future star in the making. The Saints are in trouble if he starts anything outside of a preseason game.

This position is flush with talent and leadership, something this team has had in decades. Payton made is a priority to make serious upgrades to the position as any coach with the reputation of being a QB Guru would do. He has not disappointed with Brees, Martin, Brunell and Palko. This team's future at QB is bright and will likely remain so with Payton at the helm.